one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
