i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
