I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
