I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize