He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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