I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Randomize
