College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
