you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
