I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Randomize
