I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
