After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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