I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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