just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
