Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
