she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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