i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize