If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
