Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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