Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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