Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
