Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize