The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
