I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
