I think I died a long time ago.
Jerry, you need to find god
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I love you. Go after that dick
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