I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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