Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize