1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
