Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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