Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my shit smells like andre
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
