Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
