True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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