taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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