someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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