She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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