Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
