chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
