I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Even the bartender felt bad for me
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
