The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
