Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
