fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
