no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
