So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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