I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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