Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
