I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
