literally had 100 drinks last night.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
