I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
