you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
