A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
