Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
