I got chris browned last night
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
