Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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