before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
