Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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