Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
