just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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