if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My hand turned me down
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize