when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I deserve to be covered in dicks
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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