Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
