K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
