I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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